Sunday, January 21, 2007


Men and their boys,
If I hear about your boys one more time....
About Jay, Doc and E,
About how tight y'all are...
About how you would go down for your boy( please define cause I'm having trouble with this one!!!!!)

Why? WHY!?!
Look at these misfits and tell me why Lord!
What happened when you created Jay,
You know Jay,
The one that can't hold down a girlfreind, even if she was inflatable!

And don't get me started on Doc.
That two, no make it hundred timing dog
who'll chase anything in a skirt, except when he's in key west!

And E, The Hater E,
The one who always manages to get my blood boiling
He's the bad influence...whipped!
That's it, that's he's favorite line... You whipped Dawg....?
You want to spend time with me and you make it sound like it's my fault
Cause you're been listening to E again!

All your boys' classifications for women,
Junior mature for the 29-33
Looking for husbands and the white picket fence
Mature 33 and above
Lonely and looking for any kind of male attention
then the Juniors the 25 to 27's
All this thanks to Doc!
If he paid as much attention to he's work a he did to the women he chases,
He'd be the highest paid Doctor in the whole US of a

SO honey forgive me if I don't jump for joy
When I see you and the three amigos standing at my door
Expecting to be waited upon hand and foot
Eat me out of house and home
and then leave me with the dishes when you go out clubbing
Wake me up at 3.00am cause you're to drunk to drive home
Then grumble all day and lie on the couch like a beached whale!

If I wanted to live with an aquatic animal I'd go deep sea diving
I'm not your slave
And if I see your boys show their sorry behinds anywhere near my fridge...
Somebody's gonna get whipped!

So come on over and get some lovin' honey
But leave your boys at your place, not mine

Saturday, January 06, 2007

New Years Resolution

This year, all I want is a little consideration. I do not want to be the first one to put my hand in my pocket, neither do I want to be the first one to call. I don't want to be the one to pick up the pices, throw the trash, clean the bathroom and check the mail. I want to be the person that doesn't do the dishes, doesn't do the favours and doesn't share the chocolate.

This year I want to give other people the opportunity to be considerate. Therefore this year, I will not offer to pick you up from the train station, walk, take the bus, grab a taxi, whatever! I will not offer to make you dinner, after the customary glass of water, and that's if I'm feeling generous...say your peace, and leave.

This year I promise myself the theatre. I will not run out of money because of someone else's disorganization. I will not, have my alcoholic privileges curtailed because someone else had to buy an expensive pair of shoes. I will not shy away from asking for my money back. And if you can't pay back 10 pounds, don't even thinking of borrowing 100!

I will attempt to keep in touch with people I like. I will not talk to peope who annoy me, and I will erase the telephone numbers of people who I always call, but who don't take the time to call me. I will not call you to see if you're alive and kicking, however should you wish to tell me that you are alive and kicking, very well, good, glad to hear it. In fact this year, I'm going to not call, unless I'm called. I hope for perfect radio silence

This year, I will make adult decisions about my pension, I'll start it....

This year, I shall fall in love with the joys of solitude. I will embrace the charming, cultured company of a certain moi! I will enjoy with unabashed pleasure, the whimsical fancies of my personality. I will NOT seek approval to be what I am, a human butterfly with the attention span of a cricket.

This year, I will find a new job. Maybe return to the states, maybe go home, whatever the outcome, I will move my own cheese.

This year, I will embrace the spirit of happines, in everything, and every waking moment. I will thank God that I only have a migraine and not a tumor, I will thank God, that he's only my boyfreind and not my husband, I will thank God, that my boss has the inferiority complex and not me, I will thank God that the wailing baby in seat 28B is not mine, I will thank God that I'm not the one stuck in traffick, and I shall do all this and more, joyfully.

What are your new years resolutions?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

THESE ARE YOU RIGHTS (as i understand them)

In Kenya:
1) You are under no obligation to give your driving licence to the police, but you are obligated to provide it at the nearest police station

2) You are under no obligation to be frog marched in your vehicle to the nearest police station. You may be frog marched under the auspices of the government in their own vehicle, whilst your vehicle is towed to the police station.


The laws are only enforced over extended public holidays such as christmas and new years and only for purposes of fleecing innocent wananchi, and that's only because the thieves and such suspects have been shot on sight....dead.

On Dec 26th Police Officer 50028 made money at the police blockade turning to Gilgil, this was done under the guise of looking for seat belt, (note that the drive reverse bargained to 300shillings from 1000 shillings) And only when the money was palmed did he release sthe driver's licence. Imagine how many vehicles were travelling that day, and how much money he received for supposedly doing he's job! We were all wearing seat belts mind you... Stupid driver looked like he could a pee'd he's pants

The laws are also enforced when they are barely applicable!!! Take for example the Eldama Ravine Road block, where the CO who looked like a string bean swimming in soup (somehow I don't think that was he's uniform) Pulled us over for overtaking at a solid yellow line...Now I ask you have you seen the roads lately...WHAT LINE?????? Taking the same said driver licence he commands one of he's minions to ride shot gun and ensure that we kmake it to the police station. Eh, one problem, I was riding shot gun. CO uses he's very intelligent brain and tells me to jump in the back. Eh, another problem, back seat carries 3 passengers, and there are already 3 passengers snuggly seated in it... I can't fit. So my little mind says, eh...why don't we wait for next convoy vehicle, you can have driver( who has penchant for attracting trouble ) and we'll be on our merry ways, so let's not all go to the police station, but stand to the side and wait, after all it doesn't matter where we wait, here or the station, right? CO grudgingly gives in although yells for all and sundry thatno one is above the law( except the law enforers....?) Next convoy vehicle arrives and CO understands that owner of vehicle is more than willing to hand over said driver and we're not paying a penny for him, after all he's got that kinda face the cops like, we might get to Nairobi faster if we ditch him . CO sends us off! Better luck next time!!! These bunch of misfits, also called police men were not wearing there badge numbers at all.


British Airways: Passenger rights

You have the right to be packed so tight jumping into a can of sardines will be like travelling in your own personal plane!!! That's right not only are you packed worse than a sardine travelling coach, you get to have the pleasure of being bounced about on the tarmac when the pilot is halfway out suit and tie infavour of black ankle socks and sandals (gross!!!), I wonder if he engaged the emergency brake ?!?
You also have the right to be subjected to the lack of customer service as you call all their telephone numbers( 6 at last count, courteously given by Telkom Kenya) and have none of them picked up over a time span of close to 4 hours.... what could they possibly be doing, annual office footbal game?!? or was it cricket ?!? And if that doesn't drive you round the flipping bend you get to be subjected to the disorganized debacle of checking in (BA0088 Jan 3rd 2007 NBI to Heathrow) with one printer not working and the inept Floor Manager Mary Nasiali/a (what's her face!!!) thinking it would still be a good idea to keep that particular check in counter open, which meant longer check in times, for the unsuspecting idiot that stood in it! (If you really must insist, yes, me!!!) while the guy behind the counter ran like a headless chicken from one check in counter to another begging to have the luggage tag printed! only to hear the helpful words..."Utagonja" from the other counter, that's when I flipped a switch and let them know not only do I hear and understand swa, I also have a penchanct for insulting people in said language! So why did I bother checking in online if I was going to spend half an hour checking in again at the airport? To ensure I got a seat, which is ironic because under the unwatchful eye said Mary I could just pay to sit wherever I wanted to, just like the largesse family of indians did, on a fli8ght that was threatening to be overbooked....?!?

So what is the moral of the story
1) If you're going to travel anywhwere fly don't drive
2) And if you're going to fly anywhere, DO NOT FLY BRITISH AIRWAYS!!!!!!

And by the by, belated Merry Christmas and Happy New year, I hope that you have a better year than last year, and don't forget, tomorrow is FURAHI DAY!!!!!

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