AAAAAAAAAAAAAAh....can you hear that ...it's called technology

Ok,
I have not been putting up any literal blogs because of the lack of technology in Newcastle....GRRRRRRRR!
Do I miss my internet or what.
Hello Lovely People!
Yes it appears that the only way I can communicate with my blogs is on weekends andby audioblogs.

As for Newcastle-under-lyme....it's wonderfully different. Apparently you can get anywhere in the UK once you master the art of going round a round-about. Annoying things, that pop up even in the middle of highway's how irksome is that?

I am however enjoying my new lease on life. My very special someone is going to be OK. Thanks to all of you for your advise, let's just say I've never been so worried in my whole entire life. My special someone is my Dad. It's nearly cliche how people call their Dad's hero's... my Dad is Superman. Not that it's made me the best Dperson in the world, but the word no is a foreign concept. Let's just say a guy telling me no, is like a pig in flight!!!ain't gonna happen, I don't understand, whadaya mean, what are you talking about? Anyway back to point at hand. My dad was in hospital with a pulmonary embolism, whatever the heck it it is. All I k now is that he's less than sterling vulture relatives were circling, and when relas circle, there's a dead body afoot.
And the doctor was only shocked as to why my dad wasn't dead yet (some doctor!) And the idea of living life without my Dad was not on! This whole week I have walked around like a zombie, my main though being how I could get home to my Dad.
It's true that we base our expectations on previous occurences, I expect to be the center of attention, because that's what I got from my Dad, 100% even when I was dotting... :) So I'm glad that he's going to be fine. The world woudn't be right without my superhero. (Psychologists....back off this blog...we don't do Freud!)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I cut my hair, I've never had short hair in my life. Don't know how I feel about it yet. Maybe I should invest in a do-rag.

The wonderful bladder continued

Well, if your body does not respond to the polite stimuli provided by your bladder, then the bladder takes matters into it's own hand and the fear of embarrasment is nigh!
Vigilante bladders have been known to cause their owners all kinds of discomfort. The best form is that of the 'Toilet/Piipii/Potty/WiiWii/Gottago- dance' ( abbreviated as TPPWG for the sake of my typing fingers). I don't think there is a single human, save the guards outside Buckingham palace, who does not have their own form of the dance. It is assumed that no two dances are the same, some victims go for the cross over, this is when one foot is tightly crossed at the crotch, over the other foot, the participant then performs a repetitive jerky squat like motion to the sweet musical stimulus of the TPPWG-dance.

Others prefer to bounce on their heels,whilst in the cross over position, gently, trying to minimize any rapid movemoent to their bladder that may cause an uncontrolable onslaught of relief. In the cross over, victims may other tightly shut their eyes in order to visualize at tightened sphincter muscle (personally I think it's to avoid screaming out in pain!!!) Or their eyes are wide open with a wild glint in them, the latter I'm sure are promising themselves to surrender their bladder at the pearly gates ASAP upon their arrival there. (I don't think the
TPPWG has ever been, in any ancient texts, attributed to heavenly devotion of a deity)

We move to the pacer, this victim of the TPPWG will walk up and down in a tightly controlled line, the effect of increased stimuli is seen in the increasing speed with which they make each lap, of course due to the unrelenting torture of the TPPWG, they soon break out into a a gentle trot, as a full dash is only acceptable if a receptacle for the relief is found, some men after frequenting pints at a bar are now masters at using their 'point-and-shoot to write their names in the snow/dirt, therefore the term receptacle is open to transalation!

Enter the tap dancer, this victim normaly calm and unfidgety breaks into a riendition of someting performed by Sammy Davis Junior or Gregory Heinz! Their feet furiously keeping the rhythm to their bladders tune... a tempo that only grows faster with the intensity of the desire for relief. You may pick out these victims by their highly muscled calves (some have been called football/soccer players, but these studies are incomplete).

Let's not forget the knee-knockers! These happless victims of the TPPWG are the 'hunchback of Notredame' as far as the dance go. They are ungainly and ungraceful and their height relative to the floor is decreased when the pain is exquisite and least bearable. But you gotta love them for all in all, they're just trying to save themselves the embarassment, even though in doing so all coolness is thrown out the window. But the bladder is an equalizer of coolness, for all dance style victims when the worst bouts of torture occur, will forego all decorum and provide physical assistance to their failing anti-bladder muscles.

The bladder is also a clever strategist, upon being unable to withstand the TPPWG any longer some victims are broken to the point that they are willing to walk into the most unsanitized porcelain relief aids known in the world! Of course we have different classsification of bladders, namely:
1) Nike Class: just do it
2) Paris Hilton: Only the hilton
3) Country Western: shoot first ask questions later (prefferred in some cultures where Calvin-errant men run around pii-ing in full view of unsuspecting witnesses...Now I must say that I find this sub-classification of the 'country-western' most brazen and a vermin to polite society! )
4) Commando bladders

The Nike Class will get on with the task at hand by performing zen like controll on their minds to compare the benefits of the relief and to ignore the onslought to their other sensory organs from the unsanitized procelain (if they're lucky) receptacles in dodgey location (in some coutnries grass roots biological war lords used said receptacles as munition bankers!! Weapons were used to relieve victims of their hard earned cash!)

The Paris Hilton bladder is cruel, on having been informed of the nature of the porcelain relief aid by their olfactory and optical senses, this bladder immediately retreats all known stimuli, sending up trumptet blasts of relief to the victims nether regions. Of course the victim thankfully and hastily retreats from the offending un-hilton porcelain relief aid. However upon receiving stimuli from the brain that the hilton or such like relief aid is in view this bladder is ruthless, one will find dignified women (read Mama's) who will never walk faster than waltz cruising at speeds of an ABBA tamborine to the acceptable relief aid, all thoughts of maintaining their dignity forgotten.

The cowboys of the bladder classification are definitely the Country Westerns, these bladders do not care for social norms on relieving one self. They find any location (most prefer greenery as they think they are perfoming some environmental duty of turning vegetation gold, why wait for fall in an eqautorial climate??), their victims swager to said location and relieve themselves... aaaaaah! A word must be said for the traveller who having been caught between the land of no return seeks shelter behind a bush to politely handle the cause of the speeding ticket!

All bladders not being created equal, only makes us more diverse as human beings. We have heard earlier of the commando bladders (remember the buckingham palace guards), that have undergone rigorous training from their owners (note: in most cases it is the bladders that own their victims...), stand to attention, and only reply when they are commanded too. Bow down to men in uniform who have to perform the dangerous duty of handling bladders and other unruly inhabitants of earth! (ALRIGHT! I'm partial to men in uniform I had to find a way to fit them in somehow!!)

So feel free to participate in the bladder study by informing all and sundry whether you wear
1) tighty whities







boxers








mothers' union









and g-strings/ thongs

The wonderful bladder

While talking on the phone to my future employer the fine whistle of nature called. Of course this is not such a startling event, the kicker comes in the creative thinking that is applied to inform the gentleman, that as I am driving I need to hang up and call him later when I have parked the car,needless to say I was nowhere within sight of my vehicle. It appears that I can now park a car in 1 minute flat!
But then it occurred to me, how many boardroom meetings have been cut short or how many decisions have been made simply for the victim to indulge in a little tinkle to satisfy that urge, that literally builds up in the nether regions of the body to the point where all mental thought or the excercise there of is a fragment of the imagination?
One minute you're sitting down all self assured, the next minute, you've identified that feeling. It starts out slowly as little whisper to the brain. You ignore it, you can still pay attention to the conversation at hand. The whisper turns into a definite but polite 'Ahem...', your brain lenga's, it's not so bad, just shift your position on the chair to relieve some of the pressure on the bladder. Conversation looses some interest.
Your nether regions seeing that no action is being taken, brings on the blitz, for all you footbal fans you know what this means, it's Brett Favre getting sacked by a group of three 350 pounders...(ASIDE: it's about time he hung he's helmet up....he's turning into the token old dude on the packers team)

The exquisite torture begins, we're not talking about the itch between your shoulder blades at the exact spot that you can't reach.
(To be continued....)

Voting NO...The Kenyan Constitution Issues

This was written by a gentleman named Hawi in a group email. I dont even know him. If anybody is wondering why we are voting No, and not just because oranges taste better than bananas, here goes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wako and his group of conmen took the draft to Kilifi and turned it into achild's play. It is a very cruel joke on poverty stricken Kenyans. It is apity that after a polished academician in the name of Yash Pal Ghai tooktime to come up with something really serious and admirable, some childishfellow Africans can actually take and turn the whole thing into a childishprank. At this rate we shall never get out of our poverty. Not now, not inthe near future. Look at it this way :
1. The reason people of Kenya wanted a new constitution was to clip thepowers of the President which had been abused in the past. Has this Wakodraft done that ? No it has in fact enhanced it. For example whereas beforeit was impossible to garner 65% majority vote in parliament required toimpeach the President, you now require 75%. Who asked for this ?
2. The introduction of religious (not Kadhi's) courts is the sickest jokeWako could ever have come up with. We all know that our courts are based onEnglish common law which is Christian in origin. How is it practical againto have a Christian court ?
3. Whereas it is true that there is a lot gained in terms of civil rights,women's equality, culture, citizenship etc, these rights will nevertranslate into reality until the President stops being the Emperor and Queenof us all. In any case, those rights were entrenched, not by Wako, but byBoma's draft.
4. Devolution of power to the grassroots level has been whitewashed by Wako'draft as it has taken away the structures that would have ensured thatdevolution works to the advantage of the local villager in the remotest orany part of Kenya.
5. The height of conmanship comes clearly across when the President tells usthat the provincial structure will remain intact while the Wako bill andKiraitu (on TV) clearly state otherwise.6. The whole process of constitution making is flawed because
:a) It has not been participatory and democratic from beginning to the end(Wanjiku, Asha, Nanjala and Otieno have not been involved in every stage)
b) The current constitution does not cater for it.c) It is therefore an exercise in futility that will no bear any fruit. All thepoliticians know this.
Yet after wasting Sh4.5 billion, they are willing to go to the polls and waste another Sh2.5 billion. All for nothing.Two things will happen. The NO vote will carry through as Kenyans are notwilling to be conned again. If it does, we will be back to square one. Theonly redeeming thing is that we will have an excuse to start another processof constitution making. Secondly, a judge will stop the whole processthrough a court order. Again we will be back to square one. So even before we discuss culture gains in the constitution, we need to askourselves whether it is worth talking about if the whole process is flawed. I will vote NO. I ask you to go and vote that day, if it ever comes. It isyour right to vote. But know that there will be no new constitution comes in December. Regards

UPDATE...You know you've been dating another male species when...

9) He pulls out your chair at a table, thinking that it's for him, you quickly run to get another one before he's buddy sits on it!

Tag I'm it... thanks a lot S!

Ok I got tagged by the little gremlin ... so, I hereby spill my guts, in a well oragnized and machinated swill!!!!

Down Memory Lane and a Few Stops....

10 Years Ago
I was brain dead at an all girls school (don't get me wrong I'm sure girls are academicaly challenging the school however was not mentally challenging!) of good repute. Where the religio-academic regime tortured soals with fire and brimtsone, and whatever was left of the soul was squuezed out of the parents' pocket under the guise of school fees and other money laundering requirements! Let's just say a school that teaches you how to be a lady and doesn't encourage sports ought to be banned...but hey I know all the rules, and exactly how to bend or break them as I please.

5 Years Ago
I was mentally overstimulated at a Uni in the midwest, (Geezus! may I never see snow again!) The great thing is there was a 10:1 ratio, guys to gals....hehehe! My kinda school! Between working and keeping up a sorority social life (I am now certified to drink any frat boy under the table and back again!! See, ain't college edumacational??) and keeping my grades up so that I could stay in the sorority and keep my job, I slept :D!

1 Year Ago
I was working on a construction job site not loving my job, the guys were great save one, the project manager, who couldn't get a long with himself if you gave him a map! I'm a pretty easy going kinda person, but this guy was so uptight and up himself he came out on the other side! It didn't help that he's personality suffered physical altitude sickness on account of him needing a step stool to get to he's desk. But I bare him no grudges, all I hope is that when he finally joins the SBB (Saggin Ball Brigades, where all balls go when attacked by gravity) that he should also suffer an itchy butt! (Confucious said, rightly or wrongly, 'he who sleeps with an itchy butt, wakes up with smelly fingers!)

Yesterday
Went swimming in an overly chlorinated pool, nursed a migraine afterwards, talked to the current object of my affection (recently remastered and digitized to a taller hunkier yummy dude who will be awarded a Nobel Prize as soon as the category is created ;) basically different from the last current object of my affection!) Watched CSI...the original, mhmmmmmm! Love it!
And then went to bed.

'A few of my favorite things'

5 Places I would run to:
Kenya, Papua New Guinea, France, Key West, Borneo

5 Things I would never wear:
brown, mothers' union uinderwear, ice white lipstick, bald head, miniskirt

5 Favorite shows:
M*A*S*H, All Law a& Order Series, CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York

5 Things to do with $100 Million:
First, die of shock! Invest and Never have to work again, Pursue whatever my heart desires, Give to HIV childrens charities and children education charities

5 greates joys:
Getting my own way
Giving Presents
Receiving Presents
Cooking Dinner and Entertaining Close Freinds
Reading

5 Songs I know the words to:
'Every body hates me...I'm going to the garden to eat warms'
'Everbody wants to be a a cat'
'Saving all my love' (Sounds best in bathroom acoustics)
All my Sorority Songs!!!
'Don't Funk with my heart'

5 Snacks
Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, Cadbury's Jamaican Rum Chocolate, Cadbuyr's Fruit & Nut Chocolate, Mars Ice cream bars

The Tag continues:
Nicki Baby
S! tagged your sorry behind...again! and you better spill your guts!! Any Question Nicki wants My freind revenge is best served cold :d
Shu's Rep aka Msanii_XL Nothing Personal Babes! But still Curious!

You know you've been dating another male species when....

1) You go out for dinner and the guy pays the bill without asking you if you wanted to go dutch (at which point he wonders if your feeling well when he sees the look of utter shock on your face!)
2) You're feeling cold and he gives you he's jacket to wear (you keep asking him if he's feeling well or if he's coming down with something!)
3) He opens the door for you and you think it's a trick! He's true intention is to actually get you smashed between the door jamb....! Of course you rush in and he wonders where the fires at
4) He gives you he's arm and you think he's trying to elbow you!
5) He walks you to the door and doesn't try and get more than a kiss goodnight, or ask for a chocolate chocolate chip to go with he's coffee
6) He's eyes wonder yes, but not to the point of acute whiplash (after all he's a guy, granted...)
7) And this is the most imortant differentiating characteristic if I ever heard of one; when he says he'll call you tonight, it's not the same night 3 decades from that date!!!!!
8) Last but not least, there is no such word as later in he's vocabulary!
I dare any one of you to find what time later is, I don't care if it's zulu time, 24 hour clock, whatever you show me later!!!!( the person who created that word probably met Santa!!!!)

APB for jelly bellied maniacal facail hair perp dressed in white and red...not spandex

Santa runs true to form....SHU will not be performing in London. I have therefore no option but to place a dead or alive wanted notice for that good for nothing, dissappointing, lower than pond scum perp!
Over and Out
P.S Anyone know of a union for elves, starter kit needed at the north pole!